Practice: Shifting the Shower

I realized about two years ago that I used my time showering in the morning to think about my fears and get myself adrenalized for the day. I found I actually felt better on days when I didn’t shower until later in the day since I wasn’t “setting” myself up for fear and negativity.

I decided to change what I did with my shower time. (I am amazed at how long it took me to shift the behavior, the thoughts were so ingrained!) I now use the time to do mindful meditation and choose positive thoughts of inspiration, setting myself up for a day of love and compassion. It also creates eagerness for all of the wonderful things I anticipate occurring in my life (rather worrying about the terrible things that could happen.) What a change in my day!

Practice: Define “Spiritual Practice”

This question led to some interesting discussion on the teleclasses. Everyone agreed that his/her definition of “spiritual practice” had evolved over the years to become much broader. Almost everyone felt they had originally equated spiritual practice with whatever was included in their religion such as attending weekly services, reading scriptures, prayer, etc. Most people had since, and especially in light of the module, had added many more items to their list of what connects them.

Two other ideas flowed from this discussion. The first is people felt quite aware that certain practices help them connect much faster and more directly than others. Certain particularly inspiring authors (Dr. Wayne Dyer for me), listening to Mozart, and skiing down a mountain in Colorado for one participant, are direct links to our higher selves. Think about your own practice. What is the best part of your practice, the part that connects you fastest? Do you know?

The other idea was concerning the efficacy of your practice. How do you know it is working? Everyone agreed they knew if there practice was working based on how they feel. How everyone felt, though, was different. One person felt her practice was working when she noticed she wasn’t trying to “be” a certain way. Another person commented that she feels more love. Another felt less judgmental. Another said she has noticed that she reacts and is different in situations that come up regularly such as being with her family. I can tell by my level of negativity.

I love this question because it is important to make sure your practice is working. How do you measure success?

Practice: What Does Being “Connected” Feel Like?

This question sparked some thoughtful comments. One person wasn’t sure she had ever felt connected so we first stepped back and discussed what being “connected” meant. Most people agreed that it meant having a direct link to our deeper self, an awareness of harmony in the world, knowing God is there and listening. I think there is great latitude to the definition, though. What does it mean to you?

Then we discussed what it feels like to be connected and there were a variety of answers. We all agreed that when we feel this link to our deeper self, judgment and negativity fall away. There is a deep peace and an inner knowing that everything is as it should be, even if everything isn’t what we think we desire. We also feel connected to all of those around us so compassion is easily accessed. One person described the feeling as “light and free”.

The interesting aspect of the discussion was how we all agreed overwhelmingly that we find life easier and more joyful when we are in the connected place. Yet our practice, the things that keep us connected, was the first to be dropped away when life became hectic. What can you do this week to keep yourself connected?

Spiritual Practice: No Time for My Practice

Are you kidding me? I have no time for a practice! I have a job, kids, a house to take care of, meals to prepare, a lawn to cultivate, clubs I have joined, activities to drive my children to… responsibilities. The list can be endless.

When someone asked the Dalai Lama how she was suppose to find time to do a practice within the confines of her incredibly busy life, the Dalai Lama chuckled. He said he definitely has a busy life, yet he finds time for a few hours of meditation each morning (before the sun rises!) He then went on to say that, truly, we miss the point when we think of a practice as something we “fit in” to our day. We have an opportunity to practice 24-hours each day.

I find two ideas come out of the Dalai Lama’s words for me. The first, and most important, is the idea that we can always practice. We do not need separate quiet time to connect to our higher selves, to be kind to others, to choose to feel good. (Wayne Dyer always replaces “good” with “God” in that phrase. Anytime you “feel good” you are “feeling God”.) Each minute is an opportunity to be connected. How can you do it right now?

The other idea I received is that he can fit in meditation – hours of it – within the confines of the hectic schedule any head of state maintains. I think I can find at least 15 minutes for deeper focus. If I can’t, I need to have a conversation to myself around my priorities and my concept of time (a conversation I tend to have frequently! ☺ ) I do find that whenever I am more connected to my higher self, time does seem to open up as if by magic. Now that is a powerful place to be!

Communication II: Seek First to Understand

As my last blog entry for this topic, I want to add my final thought around compassionate communication. Ultimately, I think the key to truly compassionate communication is seeking to completely hear and understand someone before seeking to be understood ourselves. Once someone feels heard fully, they are much more likely to be in a place to help you be heard as well.

All of the work we are doing this year is about being able to be in such a place that we have space between our thoughts and our actions so we can be at choice around what we do and say. We can pause long enough to hear someone else. We can pause long enough to then choose words that won’t hurt the other individual.

Who do you need to hear today?

Communication: Responding to a Negative Message

How do you respond to a negative message from someone? Where do you go with your thoughts and words when someone labels you with a negative adjective (i.e., self-centered, pessimistic, irritating) disagrees with your opinion, or honks at you while you are driving your car.

In Dr. Rosenberg’s book, Nonviolent Communication, he discusses the four ways we can respond to a negative statement from another. We can blame ourselves (“Yes, you are probably right.” or “Oh my, what could I have done wrong!”). We can blame the other person. (“How dare you say that!”). We can sense our own needs and feelings (“I feel hurt when you say that to me.”). Or we can sense the other person’s needs and feelings. (“Wow, you sound irritated!”)

I brought this idea up on one of the teleclasses and asked everyone where they fell in the range of responses. All of us agreed that we were currently or had been in the past, in the first two choices, blaming ourselves or blaming the other person. A few participants also realized that they had shifted from there and we discussed how they did it.

One person told of how she had gained perspective in situations. She had risen in the building of consciousness through the work of this year and other awareness work she is doing so she is now able to understand situations from a higher level. She is now aware that both parties have responsibility and both parties have needs and feelings that are probably going unvoiced. She is rising above the details of the moment, the actual words, and getting to the foundation. Although she did admit she is still miles from being able to help the other person get the root of their feelings and is still working on getting through her own.

Another person commented that she was now beginning to understand that she has needs that she doesn’t express openly and that is her responsibility in any conversation if she wants those needs to be met. With that understanding came the realization that others have unspoken needs as well; needs that they are not voicing as well that are behind their words. That idea has allowed her to gain a higher perspective too.

Finally, one participant found that now that she is finally comfortable with taking responsibility for herself and her actions, she wants to give others space to do the same for themselves.

Where do you fall in the range of responses?

Communication: Separate vs. Connected

On our teleclass, I asked everyone if they recognized in the moment whether they were communicating with someone in a connected way vs. a separate way. In other words, when they are actually hearing the other person and know the other person is hearing them vs. not.

When I asked the question, there was an audible “oh yeah” from everyone. We all seemed to agree that telling the difference was incredibly obvious and easy. The connected conversation was calm, peaceful, and effortless. The separate conversation was frustrating and led us to become easily irritated.

I found it interesting that we all agreed that connected conversations were effortless. Then, why do we not have them all the time? It is so easy to say, “because the other person isn’t in a compassionate state” but recall the last two blog entries – it is only about us, not them. No, the effort involved in being compassionate is not in the conversation itself, it is in all the preparation we do to first find our compassion and then remain compassionate when we are in conversation. If our compassion elicits peace from the other person, all the more wonderful. At least our anger doesn’t begin the ripple effect of negativity.

All this preparation and initial effort is worthwhile when you think of the outcome – effortless communication with those we love. The effort it takes to handle the residual of a separate conversation is much more challenging.

Communication: The Challenges - Part II

I want to continue with what I began last week – how to handle the really challenging communication. One of the participants of the call last month mentioned a conversation she had with someone who was really negative. As much as the YLC participant tried to pull the individual away from the negativity and to a more positive subject, the negative person kept coming back to the negative place.

I want to reiterate what I said last week, compassionate communication does not mean “helping” someone see the “light”. It is not our job to teach someone how to be compassionate or to “make” them positive. Our job as compassionate communicators is to be compassionate with them, right where they are and to help them feel heard and understood.

This can be particularly difficult when the individual is not hearing you. I am beginning to see that truly compassionate communication is when we help the other person be fully heard before we even begin to express what is going on inside of us – a challenging job!

Communication: The Challenges

Let me begin with a quote from one of the participants of last month’s call: “I find that I do already apply the principles of NVC communication with a few adults who I am close to, but that these principles are difficult to apply (judgment here) with people who are difficult. There are a couple people in my life who are so hardened that no amount of compassion seems to soften them. While I go away feeling better if I communicate with compassion with these people, I have a limit as to how much communicating I am willing to do with them.”

Ah, yes, the perennial question, how do we keep our center in the difficult places? I was tested on this one last week and failed miserably. I was faced with a teenager with predictable teenage attitude and I couldn’t hack it. The irony is our exchange was based on communication – exactly what I am “suppose” to be focusing on this month! This individual prides herself on being literal and exacting in her language and expects the same out of others. The challenge is she perceives things from her limited, human perspective (as we all do) and often misunderstands the situation. She then assumes she is the only one seeing clearly since she is the only one who was “exact” in her communication, that there is only one way any words said can be taken. This is a hot button for me. I usually can keep my compassionate state, but in this situation, I was energetically exhausted and feeling under pressure, and I just couldn't keep my center. I could no longer see her perspective and became blinded by my own.

Isn’t that what is often at the base of “difficult” situations? -- the fact that each party gets mired in their own perspective and cannot see another way? That they each have limited perspective? It can be remarkably difficult when faced with such rigidity in others much less ourselves. But good communication is not about changing them, showing them "the light", so to speak, it is about grounding yourself so strongly in compassion that you can maintain your perspective even in the most difficult situation.

So what do you do? I have two suggestions. The first is to practice holding your compassionate place consciously in easy situations. Get adept with your loved ones, the ones with whom it is easy to practice compassion. Then practice with those with whom you have neutral feelings. Then begin to imagine yourself with the challenging person in an easy situation. Then in a more challenging situation. See yourself as remaining grounded and loving and compassionate no matter what that other person is saying or doing. You may begin by only holding on to your loving place for a few seconds. You will get stronger and it will get easier.

My second suggestion is soul preparation. When you know you are going to be with that person again, do all that you can before hand to fill yourself full of love and compassion. Get yourself in an amazing place so no matter where they are, you will only be sending compassion. It doesn’t matter whether they accept it or not – you can only control you. (We will discuss that more next month with Spiritual Practice).

As for me, I plan to practice this myself. The challenging individual for my is also someone I love very much – someone for whom all of this work is worth it. I want to know how to send her love and compassion even when she is in her challenging teen years (or perhaps especially when she is in her challenging teen years.)

Communication Begins with Yourself

One participant made a wonderful point – you cannot communicate well, with a compassionate heart, unless you are speaking that way to yourself.

She realized that her internal communication wasn’t as positive as she wanted it to be and it often created a negative internal environment for her. From that environment, it was difficult to be anything but negative in expressing herself. She discovered that to be externally compassionate, internal compassion needed to happen first.

This idea prompted another participant to ask her how it was she knew her internal environment was negative. She said the easiest thing to do was turn to her feelings – how was she feeling in that moment. Happy and free? Weighed down and fearful? Your feelings will always reveal the answers.

Communication: Remembering

One topic that came up on the teleclass was how to remember to check yourself to see if you are evaluating or merely observing. Observing is just noting precisely what is happening. Evaluating is injecting your opinion or ideas into the observation. The evaluation can be positive or negative, either way it interferes with us seeing what is really happening. As one participant commented, “Those evaluations just slip right in! How do I remember to keep bringing my attention to my thoughts and noticing?”

Three ideas came out of the class. The first is to use your Focus Area (as discussed in the Pre-Assignment Module). One of the reasons I asked you to select a Focus Area is to help increase your awareness in that area. Hopefully it is easier to be more conscious there.

The second is to use a “remembrancer”, or something that helps you remember to check in with what you are thinking. It can be a bracelet or other jewelry, a stone in your pocket, a sticky on your planner, wherever you will be reminded of it regularly. Your remembrancer must be something you don’t use frequently because it won’t catch your attention.

The third idea comes from my spiritual tradition. Every Friday we have a “spiritual fast”, a time to be particularly conscious of being in a kind and loving state. I find on Fridays I am much more attuned to my thoughts because of the habit I have instilled on this day. Of course, the goal is to have that consciousness extend to other days of the week, and it does, but Fridays are always special.

One participant mentioned that she just noticed she was not evaluating as much and attributed it to the work she has already done this year. She is just naturally in a more conscious, positive state.

How do you remember?

Communication: Lost Opportunity

“I feel so sentenced by your words, I feel so judged and sent away, before I go I've go to know is that what you mean to say? Before I rise to my defense, before I speak in hurt or fear, before I build that wall of words, tell me, did I really hear? Words are windows, or they're walls, They sentence us, or set us free. When I speak and when I hear, let the lovelight shine through me. There are things I need to say, things that mean so much to me, if my words don't make me clear, will you help me to be free? If I seemed to put you down, if you felt I didn't care, try to listen through my words to the feelings that we share."

-Ruth Bebermeyer

I had an experience recently with a friend that demonstrates perfectly what Ruth Bebermeyer is saying in her poem. I was with a friend who has a teenage son. He had a tantrum over something small, completely lost his composure, and ran off. I learned about this as my friend frantically searched for him. She was absolutely furious with him and found her anger growing as she searched.

The miscommunication came from me. I assumed, without asking her and helping her uncover her feelings, that she was angry that he had had a temper tantrum. Through my misunderstanding, I kept trying to “help” her remember how wonderful her son is and that she loves him deeply and that he is hurt too. As someone who is prone to emotional outbursts (as my friend is not), I also tried to “explain” his behavior away. (I keep using quotes due to my sheer embarrassment to this day that I thought I was helping her!)

I did receive a clue as to what she was really feeling when she just mentioned as an aside the this was the son who kept trying to run away as a child (he is now 13 years old). I didn’t even notice the clue, though, since I was already well down a different road. It didn’t dawn on me until later in the day that her expression of “anger” was really a deep fear that he had run away. I am well aware that by not taking the time to discover with her what was actually bothering her, my “helping” was really just very annoying.

Although I am not sure what went on between the two of them when she finally found him, a strong possibility is the disconnect continued and she expressed anger to him instead of the fear she was really feeling. If I had taken the few minutes it would have taken to actually listen to her instead of assuming I knew what she was thinking, we would have had a better connection and together we may have uncovered her true feelings which then may have translated into a better connection with her son.

As Sri Harold Klemp says, “We are responsible for all the ripples created in others by our anger, as well as the ripples they in turn pass along to the next group.” I think that can apply to the ripples of compassion as well. When we stop and take the time to really hear another individual or make sure they really heard what we said, we build on connecting with others and that connection is carried in the heart of the other person to be passed on to someone else.

Word Residue

Judith Lasater once said, “When we are fully present, we have space between action and reaction and can choose our response. We all leave residue with those with whom we interact. With space, we can choose the residue we want to leave.”

That quote has stuck with me ever since I heard her say it. Somehow, knowing that an interaction with me can affect people long after we are together – and can affect others in their life, makes me want to be more conscious than ever about what I say and do with others. I had been aware of this idea before Judith said it, but using the word “residue” made it more poignant for me somehow. I envision the residue as either a sticky, gluey feeling they can’t seem to wash away (negative interaction) or a lovely aromatherapy scent that feeds them gloriously for days (positive interaction). I so want my residue to feel glorious!

The process of creating glorious residue has two steps. The first is filling my life with more calm so I can have the space in my interactions. The second is making better choices in all the areas in my life that create more positive “stuff” in me. This step includes learning how to communicate more effectively too.

Words: The Negative Words Habit

Often the negative words we use are merely a habit, something we learned to use along the way and continue even though the word may not convey or represent what we are actually feeling. Unfortunately, using the word, even when we don’t actually mean it, still lead to negativity and fill the negative well within us.

I had a coaching client with whom I spoke this week who had a challenging week. She kept referring to her week as the “whirlwind of her life”. You could hear the feeling of the whirlwind in her words. Yet, I have known her long enough to know that she doesn’t really feel her life is chaotic all of the time, she was only referring to two challenging days, yet the way she described it, I felt as if she was in constant chaos. When I mentioned it, she realized that the word just came out from habit. She rephrased to “I had a whirlwind of a week” and instantly felt better (at lease we had limited it to a few days and not a lifetime!). I then rephrased again to “Well, that was an interesting week!” That got a giggle from her, a sign of even lighter vibrational energy around it. We had a winner! Even though she may not have meant the statement (she really didn’t see her whole life as a whirlwind), the words affected her. They kept her embroiled in the chaos of the week.

My “buzz” word from childhood is “worry”. My mother is a wonderful worrier, she has perfected it to a science. When one thing she is worrying about turns out okay, she sometimes even says “now what am I going to worry about?” “Worry” was an oft used word in our house. We frequently used the word “worry” when we really meant “think”. As in, “Now I need to worry about dinner.” Were we really worried about dinner? No, we just needed to turn our attention to it. I have also caught myself using the term from habit. Interestingly, even though I am not really worried, just using the term brings worry to my system. When I rephrase and use “think”, I am much calmer. It seems like such a little thing, but it makes such a difference. It is especially important to neutralize the word in your system by either rephrasing right then and there.

Another word I notice used incorrectly in our society is “anxious.” People often use it when they mean “excited”. “I am anxious for our vacation.” “Anxious” comes from “anxiety.” Even when you think you are feeling excitement, using the word brings a touch of anxiety into your system.

Words: Powerful Rephrasing

There was one comment that came out of the teleclass that has really stuck with me. I think, in part, due to the simplicity of it. This story demonstrates the power of changing what may seem like an insignificant negative thought.

This woman was working in her garden very much enjoying being there and taking care of her plants. Then a thought popped into her head, ‘I have to go inside and cook dinner for my family.’ She said she immediately noticed the thought and its negativity. She also realized that it was indeed time to stop what she was doing and go inside to prepare dinner. She rephrased for herself, ‘I choose to go inside to prepare a nourishing meal for my family.’ She said the shift was palpable in her body and in her heart. Although she still realized she would prefer to be in the garden, her statement turned her thought from a victim mentality “I have no choice in the matter” (which may lead to resentment among other negative emotions) to making it her choice and that made all the difference.

This story brings up two ideas for me. As I alluded to in the beginning of my entry, this seems like such a little thing, yet it made such a difference to this person. I am sure it also shifted her intention as she cooked, thereby infusing the food with more love and attention. Perhaps she was also able to share more compassion with her family instead of resentment or irritation. Perhaps it shifted her thoughts around cooking at other times too and maybe she feels better now about cooking when she would rather be doing other things. Do you see where this is going? The power of a little thing...

The second idea is around rephrasing. I mentioned in the Module that taking the time to rephrase something that you have said that you wished you had said differently will change the negativity into something more positive. Rephrasing will also help you bring more attention to it should the same situation arise again. On one of the calls, on participant realized that rephrasing works with things you say to yourself as well. Yes! As our gardener realized in this story, rephrasing is powerful whether it is out loud to another person or in our head to ourselves.

Judgment: Discipline Based on Judgment

One discussion that came out of a teleclass was around our punitive methods in this country. Our justice system is based on judgment. We discussed whether this was a good or bad idea in light of our work on compassion.

I have very strong feelings and opinions about this area, especially now that I have children. When I began disciplining my kids in the traditional, American way, using judgment, it didn’t feel right. It always felt hard and callous and I also didn’t really see it as useful. I may be scaring them into doing it my way the next time, but what I wanted was to create amazing souls that could make fabulous choices on their own because they knew in their heart what was right. Giving them timeouts and taking away privileges just didn’t seem to be the way to that end. Moreover, I could feel the disconnect with them when I became irritated. I could see in their faces their fear at this disconnect right when they needed me to connect with them the most.

What I realized was they usually know when they have done something “wrong”, they don’t need me pointing it out and further punishing them. (Does it help when you do something wrong and then have your mate or boss or friend also get mad at you for doing it?) If they don’t know what they did is wrong, it is my job to educate them and it is my fault they don’t know about it yet.

Right about this time, I was listening to a talk given by Wayne Dyer (a spiritual speaker and author of over 20 books). He was telling a story about a tribe in Africa. This tribe’s “punitive” ritual was to put the “wrong-doer” in the middle of the courtyard in the village. Every villager then surrounded the person in a huge circle. They then, one-by-one went around the circle and told the person what he or she had done that was wonderful. They would go around the circle again and again, sometimes for hours. Dr. Dyer then added that they barely have any use for this ritual.

Makes you think, doesn’t it? Why do kids misbehave? They do it for attention because negative attention is better than none at all. It is a cry for connection, some connection. (I often wonder if that is ultimately at the bottom of crimes as well.) What if we, instead, gave them positive connection. What would it be like if you mate, boss, friend, gave you positive connection when you were the “wrong-doer?”

So, what do I do with my children? (Let me first point out that this happens when I am doing what I can to keep myself connected to my compassionate side. Doing all that we have talked about this year. When I do not do that, I find myself resorting to the “old style” of discipline and then it takes me even more energy to handle the repercussions of that method.) When they are doing something I don’t like, I first note if I have been disconnected (and, boy, do they know!). If so, I realize it is my fault and it is then easier to not blame them. Sometimes they are looking for connection with their sibling, though, and that is more out of my reach, although I can help. Whatever it is, I stop everything, take a deep breath, and then smile inside, if not out. I scoop up the offending child, place them on my lap, hug them, and begin whispering wonderful things in their ear. I tell them I love them, that they are wonderful. I just sit there with them with my heart open until their heart begins to soften. It isn’t until they soften that we then discuss the issue. “You hurt your sister.” “You broke the toy.” Etc. We also discuss what needs to be done to rectify the situation; to make amends. This works even with my 2 year old.

I have a couple of people who think being loving when a child has misbehaved will only encourage them to misbehave. The evidence doesn’t seem to indicate that to me. I only have to use this method a couple of times each day – I think that is amazing with a 5 year old and a 2 year old.

The next time you find yourself judging harshly another, ask yourself, do they need connection? Judgment will just cause further disconnect. Compassion will create connection.

Judgment: Judgment Limits Our View

I mentioned briefly in the Module how when we label someone or something, evaluate them, or judge them, we limit how we see them and that then keeps us from fully accessing our compassion with them. On one of the teleclasses, we were drawn into a lively debate around this topic. Think of how you viewed your teachers in grade school. We saw them as teachers and couldn’t imagine that they had families and lives outside of the building. We saw our parents as only parents and couldn’t imagine they had feelings and needs too. (I still harbor the belief and hope that I was conceived by immaculate conception!) Can you see how those labels limit how you see those people? You cannot even begin to appreciate their depth when you can only see them in your limited way.


Think about how you label others in your life and how that label may limit appreciating them for all they really are. Do you see your children through a limited scope? Your parents? Your electrician who is having a bad day? The telemarketer who just called you during dinner (and who, by the way, is an amazing single mother who works nights to support her family…)? Can you see where this is going? Can you see how this might engender some compassion on your part? It is a powerful tool…

Judgement: Prejudice="Pre-Judging"

Ever think about the term “prejudice”? It just means pre-judging or making up your mind before you have an experience. Interesting to see it in that way, isn’t it? We don’t want to think of ourselves as prejudiced – what a horrible thought – yet how many times over the past month did you notice yourself developing an opinion before you actually experienced a situation? Hmmm…you were being prejudiced. What a gift to you and the people you are with to enter a situation with a completely open mind, with no expectations good or bad.

Judgment: Thoughts Count Too

One idea that came up on both of the calls was the realization that thoughts are as important as spoken words on how they affect us. A few participants thought that as long as thoughts went unspoken they weren’t harmful to our hearts. Thoughts touch us and affect us in almost the same way as something that is actually verbal. Spoken words are still more potent; speaking something creates more energy than just thinking them. However, since our thoughts are often more negative than our words, as a result of self-censoring, our thoughts can be more energetically potent than our words. So, begin to notice your what you are thinking as much as what you are saying.

Self-Judgment: Projection

“Yet I’ve learned that you don’t serve the world by taking on its judgments, hanging your head in shame, and saying, ‘Yeah, you must be right. I must be bad.’ Take responsibility for your part in your own disasters, yes – but take on every projection of guilt from every unhealed person? No! For whatever reason people may need to project their own anger and guilt on you, you don’t have to accept it if it’s not yours.” (Marianne Williamson)


Okay, so let’s take this week’s thought a bit further. If when someone is judging us, they are really just projecting their anger and guilt onto us, what does that say when we are judging ourselves? How does it translate? ..

When we feel we have done something wrong, it is important to take responsibility where necessary. But once we have done that, and we are still judging ourselves, are we then projecting our anger and guilt on ourselves? Something to think about…

Self-Judgment: Finding Compassion

I once said that you cannot be compassionate with others until you learn how to be compassionate with yourself. This month I found the teleclass participants fully understood that idea…

I asked everyone if they were able to be compassionate with others when they were feeling judgmental toward themselves, even just a little. Unanimously, all said, “no.” In fact, the response was much more emphatic, hearing words such as “impossible” and “absolutely not”. We cannot begin to access our compassionate state in a state of self-judgment. When we are feeling softer and more loving with ourselves we can then begin to send that outward. Whatever is within will go without.

Self-Judgment: Fact or Fiction?

I think the most remarkable idea that came out of the teleclasses (and I believe this came up in each one) was the idea that our self-judgments aren’t even based in fact…

Our self-judgments are our own making and usually (or in the case of the examples shared on the calls, always) aren’t based in truth. One woman said she feels she is a “bad mother” and assumes her husband agrees and hears his comments (and even his thoughts) through that belief. Therefore she assumes the worst from what he says (or what she thinks he is thinking) only because she is already assuming the worst about herself. Interestingly, he doesn’t agree and she is beginning to “get” that it is only because she thinks it that she thinks he thinks it. Now that she is aware of the false belief and knows it emanates only from her, the hold the self-judgment has on her is beginning to weaken.

Think about your own judgments about yourself. Are they only yours? Do others agree? If you aren’t sure, ask someone you trust. Why do you believe as you do? What if you let it go? How would that feel?

Self-Judgment: Red Flags

One idea we discussed on the teleclasses was realizing that self-judgment was a downward spiral and once we get started, it just leads to more self-judgment and other negative thoughts and behavior. We discussed identifying red flags and steps for stopping this spiral…

There were many red flags that people identified once they thought about their own situation such as rumination, just feeling stuck replaying something or thinking about something negative; feeling irritation with him/herself; beginning to use food in an unhealthy way; and feeling out of shape, in other words, finding another avenue to judge ourselves. This last one usually takes the form of wherever you tend to judge yourself the most such as the shape of your body, your hair, your habits, etc. Once we start judging, our mind goes directly to our most traveled path.

I noticed that many of these red flags seemed to be quite a ways into the spiral already and perhaps once people begin to use these red flags more regularly, they will be able to identify the spiral sooner. The sooner a spiral is stopped, the easier it is to pull ourselves out.

So, what pulls us out? We came up with several ideas. Here are a few (I would love to know if you have any more!): Be in nature, meditate, breathe, eat good foods, call or email a friend, be alone and quiet, yoga, exercise, read an inspirational book, and journaling, just to name a few. We also realized that having a few ideas instead of just one is particularly helpful since it isn’t always possible to do each of these.

Eating: Guilt

My last thought around eating is the guilt and defensiveness we have around eating the foods that are a source of negative energy for us. I heard it on all the teleclasses and I hear it in my own head as well. As I mentioned in the eNewsletter a couple of weeks ago, despite all of the horrible side effects we have eating foods we know aren’t good for our system, we often continue to eat them, if not regularly at least occasionally. Knowing what we are all learning this year, eating this way can lead to guilt.

Interestingly, I wonder if the guilt is more detrimental to accessing our compassion than the food itself? I believe this work is more about taking responsibility about our choices and being conscious about them, and definitely not making all the changes you can in a month. Therefore, when you choose to eat something, be conscious of the choice, enjoy it, and be aware of the consequences. The more you attribute your actions to how you feel, the easier it is to let things go, but slowly and over time. In the meantime, be compassionate with yourself and for goodness sake, no more guilt!

Eating: Quantities of Food

Another idea that came out of our teleclasses was around the quantity of foods that affect us negatively. Several people mentioned that even though a large quantity of their "negative food" would affect them, they could eat a smaller amount and be fine. But...

I realized as we were discussing it that the "effect" had to be fairly large to be noticed since the effects people discussed were physical such as upset stomach, nausea, headaches, rashes, cramping, etc. The physical is the LAST place something manifests. Once you feel something in the physical, it has already affected you energetically, mentally, and emotionally. The exact order is energy first, then emotional, then mental, and finally physical.

If something affects you in large amounts, it is definitely affecting you in smaller amounts as well. Even a little bit will drop your energy level, thereby affecting your negative well inside of you. The more you feed the negative well in yourself, the harder it is to access your compassionate self.

Negative Eating

We had some great discussions on the teleclasses about eating. The piece I have been thinking about comes from a question that I asked on one of the calls. We had been discussing the effect of foods that are bad for our system. I was amazed at the range of effects. There was fogginess, nausea, cramping, gas, rashes, joint pain, and more. Yet, when asked if people still at least occasionally eat some of the foods that have those effects, everyone said, “yes”.

That led me to ask the obvious question. What keeps us coming back? Why do we do it? Initially responses were the taste, the craving, being tired so grabbing the first thing…

Then I remembered something Sofia Schatz mentioned in her book, “We eat what we are.” So that made me think that if we are eating what we are and we are eating the foods that are negative on our system, does that mean we are feeling negative? I know my reason for reaching for food that doesn’t feel good is a feeling of being out of control and unconscious. I want that food and the desire is like a runaway train inside of me. I also know that whenever I am like that, I have my scale tipped toward the negative. Now I know I am just feeding that negativity. The negativity in me just attracts more negativity.

I also know that I can “eat what I want to be” so I am working on using food to help me stay in a compassionate state. Along with the foods that aren’t good for my system, I have a list of foods that are good for my system. I make sure they are handy and I am consciously filling myself full of the “good stuff”.

The Beginning...

This story is where I began this journey...

I once read a quote that I will paraphrase because I do not remember it verbatim nor do I remember its author, but its sentiment rang in my ears. “If you squeeze an orange you get orange juice. When you are squeezed, what comes out?” Well, when I had my second child, I was being squeezed and I did not like what was coming out. I was exhausted and my 2 ½ year old daughter was finding it very challenging to adjust to sharing her mom. With all of this in my world, I found myself (to use a colloquial term) “losing it” more than I liked. Never anything abusive, just moments of a complete lack of patience filled with irritation. I expressed sadness and frustration to my family and friends. Their responses were always a variation of, “You are tired. It is to be expected.” Or “All parents experience moments of shear frustration. It just means you are normal.” These responses did not satisfy nor pacify me. Perhaps it was the perfectionist in me, but “normal” wasn’t good enough for me and I didn’t feel it was normal. I wanted my children to have a joyful, blissful childhood marked by a mom who was grounded in love and compassion. I was not feeling grounded and I was not feeling in touch with my soul. A question kept coming up for me from Nonviolent Communication a book written by Marshall B. Rosenberg: “What allows some people to stay connected to their compassionate nature under even the most trying circumstances?” What was I not doing?

As I began to look inside myself, curious as to why I was losing it when I did, I made some connections between those moments and other things. I noticed almost always my moments were preceded by thoughts marked by fear. Generally these thoughts were around my big fear in life – financial instability – and had nothing to do with my children. But they were enough to sap me of my energy and drain my compassion and love. I also noticed certain other variables contributed to my negativity. What I watched on television (even if I watched television, regardless of what I watched), what I ate, people with whom I interacted, what I chose to read in my free time.

I then turned to what would create more compassion in my heart. I didn’t want to just “control” the negativity; I wanted to alleviate the seed. I wanted compassion and love to be what came out the next time I was “squeezed”. I evaluated my spiritual practice and other “disciplines” I maintained. I discovered some of those disciplines, ostensibly used to foster my connection with myself, were done out of fear and not love; because I felt I “should” be doing them. I also began to consciously fill myself with love, let go of judgment of others and myself, and open myself up to the loving support of others.

When I began this journey, I did not connect it to the greater works of “nonviolence” giants like Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Jr., etc. It felt like such a small piece of work, just working on my relationship with my children. I realize now that that is where it begins. The small changes we make within ourselves create a ripple effect within ourselves and also affect others as well as the consciousness of the world. As I worked on my relationship with my children, I evolved as an individual. I became a kinder, more loving wife, daughter, sister, friend, and yoga teacher. I know I am creating two much more compassionate and loving souls for the world than my old self would have and I cannot even begin to guess the effect I have had on others along the way who have then gone on to effect others.

It is the work I did (and am doing) that I present to you here. May you end the year with more awareness, more love in your heart, and living more in harmony with your Higher Self.

Peace,

Laura and Ron