Fear: Realistic Fears

This topic came up several times over the teleclasses. What about “realistic fears”? Aren’t they okay to have? Perhaps even necessary for our own good? Hmmm…sounds logical. Then we began to discuss what a realistic fear is. What makes a fear “realistic”? Do you know the definition of fear is: “an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat?” [Emphasis is mine.] And a belief is merely a dominant thought – a thought that is strong enough to become what you consider to be a truth. So, a fear is merely the belief, or many thoughts, that danger lurks somewhere for you.

To me, it seems that if something is “realistic” wouldn’t that mean that everyone would share that fear? I mean, if the fear is for our own good, it should apply to everyone. And yet, on the teleclasses, when we listed “realistic fears”, we received a wide variety of answers. Of course the answers were a litany of “horrible things” to feel fearful around. Yet for everything named, there was someone on the call who said, “Hmmm…that one doesn’t bother me.” Or “hadn’t thought of that one.” In other words, even though someone felt it was “realistic”, another hadn’t even considered it as an issue. Some even went on to say, “Actually, I feel quite safe with that one.”

Knowing all of this now, let me ask you, how does that fear serve you? Does it keep you safer? I will definitely give you that in a true life or death situation, fear helps considerably by releasing adrenalin and giving you courage and strength you didn’t know you had. But does it help the other 99.9 percent of the time when you aren’t in a threatening situation? If your fear involves your health, money, relationships or career, fear never serves you. People often tell me it is a great motivator. Believe me when I say that any motivation based on fear is not helpful. You do not think or act in your best interest from a fear perspective. Your very best decisions are always from your heart or Soul and your heart cannot be reached out of fear.

I had one person on the call realize that she wanted to become aware of her fear and use it as a wake up call. Normally her fears would lead her down the path toward more negative feelings and behaviors. Instead she decided to note her fear and ask herself these three questions: What is the reality? What to I want? What am I going to do to change the situation? I have heard from her since and she has found it is remarkably useful.

I know that fear always leads me from my compassionate state. Fear no longer fits who I am and how I want to show up in the world. What does your fear do for you?

Needs: Finding Joy with Unmet Needs

Here is a comment I received on last year’s Teleclass on Needs: "Usually when I become crabby and irritable it is because my tiredness is a result of taking care of other people, their feelings, their needs, etc. As a result, I usually have put my needs aside. It is important to put our needs aside for others, of course. There are many good reasons to do that. However, if I do it for too long, without taking a moment for myself, even in a small way, I become deficient in my ability to be patient and loving."

I know many of us feel this way, when our cup is empty we have nothing left to give. But why is this? Why is it we need to have a fully cup to not resort to a negative state? I can understand we might not feel full of vim and vigor, but to feel negative? To lose our “love place” (as we call it with the kids)? Some of you have read my story about how YLC came to fruition. My second child had just been born. He was colicky and I was exhausted. I slept for around two hours each night for the first two weeks of his life. My poor daughter, my eldest, was feeling challenged in accepting this new being in our family with an open heart. She didn’t understand why mommy’s lap was often busy. I just found myself feeling irritated and frustrated with her almost all of the time just when she needed my loving attention more than ever. At that time, I was watching Wayne Dyer’s special on PBS called The Power of Intention. In that talk he said, “When you squeeze and orange you get orange juice. When you get squeezed, what comes out?” I was being squeezed and I did not like what was coming out. I felt like my complete exhaustion was stripping me bare and what was left was negativity. Ever since then, I have worked on compassion and love being what shows up when I am bare; at least compassion for myself, if nothing else. It is definitely a work in process…

I asked the participant to take this awareness more deeply and encouraged her to explore why it is she becomes crabby when she wasn't taking care of her needs. Why does that make her irritable? I am looking for us to remove another layer. We often stop with I am grumpy because I am tired, hungry, or not having my needs met. Explore more deeply. Can you discover how to be joyful even in the face of fatigue, hunger, or unmet needs? I would love to hear your thoughts.

Needs: Communication of Needs:

Have you begun to make the connection (pardon the pun) between connecting with yourself and others to feel compassion? In order to be in our natural state of compassion we need to be connected to our Higher Self and to the person with whom we are speaking, even if we don’t agree with him/her. Frankly, the connection is just what we are working on in this program. When we are truly connected, we make good choices for ourselves, ones that tip the scale to the positive. Our unfulfilled needs can and do get in the way of this connection. They are negative “noise” when they are not being met.

This wonderful and insightful thought came from someone on last year’s Teleclass: “If we don’t communicate our needs, we can’t connect with others.” I would also say that not communicating our needs also keeps us from connecting more deeply to ourselves. If we keep our needs from those who need to hear it, the unanswered need is something that breaks the connection between yourself and the other person. Can you feel it in yourself? The other person may very well sense the disconnection too and has not idea what the issue is. Then, with that broken connection you are further removed from your compassionate state.

Communicating your needs to others is essential in your quest for a compassionate state. There is a caveat. Your needs are not to be shared like a righteous challenge. Remember, most of the time others are not fulfilling your need not to punish you but because they do not have the same need and are unaware of its necessity to you. Find your most compassionate state and then, from that loving place, share your need with others.

Fear/Needs: The Power of Taking Care of Yourself

This week I want to share a wonderful story from one of the teleclasses from this month. I had one teleclass participant say she committed to doing just 20 minutes of exercise 3 times each week for the month in an effort to meet her needs. Two amazing outcomes occurred from this commitment.

The first was the ease at which she continued with her commitment. She had previously attempted to commit to exercise only to stop. This time felt different. Knowing she was doing it for herself, in order to meet her needs and reduce her negativity, she found herself not only easily committed to it, but she was doing it everyday.

The second amazing outcome came from helping herself. She had a phone call with her parents (the relationship with her parents being her Focus Area for the year). She was actually amused to realize that the comments that used to set her down the path of frustration and anger did not bother her anymore. In that moment she "got" how being in a positive state of mind allowed her to rise above the negativity her parents sent her way. She then “got” how taking care of her needs but her in a positive state of mind.