Anger: Begins with Blame

One participant had a fascinating insight into her anger. Her anger almost always started with blame. In particular, she blamed others for not sensing her needs and, therefore, not fulfilling her needs. I think many of us feel blame as well. I know it resonated with me. Even when I think about it in a “rational” moment, I can still feel as if my needs are “obvious” and any partially conscious person with feelings should be able to be sensitive to them.

The interesting aspect about needs is they are incredibly individual. One person may crave appreciation while the next could literally care less if anyone noticed their good works. Another person my crave being alone while others need to be around people to feel calm. We are all different, very different. Just because others do not sense our needs does not make them insensitive, they just have other needs. (Needs that you may very be missing because those needs are not on your radar.)

Be more proactive around expressing your needs. Tell people what you need from them in a open, nonjudgmental way. It could very well alleviate one of your pathways to anger!

Anger: Anger is About Being Right

Here is a quote from Judith Hanson Lasater, a yoga teacher I very much respect. “We cannot become angry unless we believe we are right.” Is there anything to add to this one? Think about your own life and when you feel angry. It is true, isn’t it? You feel you are right. (I know, I know, you are thinking, “but I am!”)

Here is Judith’s recommendation: “Today when you feel irritated about something, breathe deeply and allow being right to melt into being present.”

Anger: Residual Anger

Residual anger refers to holding onto irritation from one situation and allowing it to seep into another situation. Be careful with this one, it is insidious. Residual anger can seep into a later encounter with the same person or it can come up in a seemingly unconnected situation with another person. Residual anger erodes your heart, bit by bit.

One participant realized that it was residual anger that had crept into her relationship with her father. He had done something earlier in the year that frustrated her and she hadn’t dealt with it completely, with him or with her. Later in the year, another situation came up that was much milder, but her response was laden with the continued irritation from earlier.

Sound familiar? I think this is something we all do whether it is conscious or unconscious. What to do? Make amends. Do what you need to do to make the situation right for you and the other person, if there is someone else. If that doesn’t seem possible (you don’t feel safe with the other person or the other person is really a situation), then you can clear the anger within you. First, fill yourself full of love, acceptance, and compassion. If necessary, picture someone in your mind whom you love very much and let the feeling you have for that person fill your heart. Then picture the challenging person or situation in front of you. Send them all the love you are capable of sending. The first time you do the exercise, you may find that you are only capable of sending 30 seconds of love and that is all. Keep doing it daily for as long as it takes to feel full love for the person.

I had a horrible run in years ago with someone that left me feeling angry and hurt. Facing her again was completely out of the question at the time because of the rage she sent at me. Being with her again felt very unsafe. I did this exercise for 2 years before a felt a complete release of the anger I had. It was well worth the effort. The anger I had toward her was eating my heart (I didn’t begin the exercise for 4 years after the incident). Initially, doing the exercise just helped me slow the negative slide and that was worthwhile in itself. Ultimately, the love completely bathed the anger in light.

Anger: Changing Ourselves

One Teleclass was especially lively with a debate over whether we can ever not be angry in certain situations – situations that are particularly horrible. A few participants felt deeply that if a situation was terrible enough, it needed to change, not them. They felt they would never be able to not be angry when faced with it (and, ultimately, that they should be angry. It was their anger of the injustice that felt compassionate, if you will).

Our anger only fuels the issue, though. Answering anger with anger only builds the negativity in situation.

Truly, the only thing we can change, the only thing we can control, is ourselves; our reactions in any one moment. Imagine Gandhi in your situation. Would he be able to hold a compassionate heart? What about the Dalai Lama? If anyone can, it is possible for you. We all have the same Divine spark within us. It is not something reserved for the spiritual greats of the world. We are all spiritual greats, we just have to tap into the source within us.

Interestingly, it is often in our own transformation that we then are able to transform the situation.