Communication: Lost Opportunity

“I feel so sentenced by your words, I feel so judged and sent away, before I go I've go to know is that what you mean to say? Before I rise to my defense, before I speak in hurt or fear, before I build that wall of words, tell me, did I really hear? Words are windows, or they're walls, They sentence us, or set us free. When I speak and when I hear, let the lovelight shine through me. There are things I need to say, things that mean so much to me, if my words don't make me clear, will you help me to be free? If I seemed to put you down, if you felt I didn't care, try to listen through my words to the feelings that we share."

-Ruth Bebermeyer

I had an experience recently with a friend that demonstrates perfectly what Ruth Bebermeyer is saying in her poem. I was with a friend who has a teenage son. He had a tantrum over something small, completely lost his composure, and ran off. I learned about this as my friend frantically searched for him. She was absolutely furious with him and found her anger growing as she searched.

The miscommunication came from me. I assumed, without asking her and helping her uncover her feelings, that she was angry that he had had a temper tantrum. Through my misunderstanding, I kept trying to “help” her remember how wonderful her son is and that she loves him deeply and that he is hurt too. As someone who is prone to emotional outbursts (as my friend is not), I also tried to “explain” his behavior away. (I keep using quotes due to my sheer embarrassment to this day that I thought I was helping her!)

I did receive a clue as to what she was really feeling when she just mentioned as an aside the this was the son who kept trying to run away as a child (he is now 13 years old). I didn’t even notice the clue, though, since I was already well down a different road. It didn’t dawn on me until later in the day that her expression of “anger” was really a deep fear that he had run away. I am well aware that by not taking the time to discover with her what was actually bothering her, my “helping” was really just very annoying.

Although I am not sure what went on between the two of them when she finally found him, a strong possibility is the disconnect continued and she expressed anger to him instead of the fear she was really feeling. If I had taken the few minutes it would have taken to actually listen to her instead of assuming I knew what she was thinking, we would have had a better connection and together we may have uncovered her true feelings which then may have translated into a better connection with her son.

As Sri Harold Klemp says, “We are responsible for all the ripples created in others by our anger, as well as the ripples they in turn pass along to the next group.” I think that can apply to the ripples of compassion as well. When we stop and take the time to really hear another individual or make sure they really heard what we said, we build on connecting with others and that connection is carried in the heart of the other person to be passed on to someone else.

Word Residue

Judith Lasater once said, “When we are fully present, we have space between action and reaction and can choose our response. We all leave residue with those with whom we interact. With space, we can choose the residue we want to leave.”

That quote has stuck with me ever since I heard her say it. Somehow, knowing that an interaction with me can affect people long after we are together – and can affect others in their life, makes me want to be more conscious than ever about what I say and do with others. I had been aware of this idea before Judith said it, but using the word “residue” made it more poignant for me somehow. I envision the residue as either a sticky, gluey feeling they can’t seem to wash away (negative interaction) or a lovely aromatherapy scent that feeds them gloriously for days (positive interaction). I so want my residue to feel glorious!

The process of creating glorious residue has two steps. The first is filling my life with more calm so I can have the space in my interactions. The second is making better choices in all the areas in my life that create more positive “stuff” in me. This step includes learning how to communicate more effectively too.

Words: The Negative Words Habit

Often the negative words we use are merely a habit, something we learned to use along the way and continue even though the word may not convey or represent what we are actually feeling. Unfortunately, using the word, even when we don’t actually mean it, still lead to negativity and fill the negative well within us.

I had a coaching client with whom I spoke this week who had a challenging week. She kept referring to her week as the “whirlwind of her life”. You could hear the feeling of the whirlwind in her words. Yet, I have known her long enough to know that she doesn’t really feel her life is chaotic all of the time, she was only referring to two challenging days, yet the way she described it, I felt as if she was in constant chaos. When I mentioned it, she realized that the word just came out from habit. She rephrased to “I had a whirlwind of a week” and instantly felt better (at lease we had limited it to a few days and not a lifetime!). I then rephrased again to “Well, that was an interesting week!” That got a giggle from her, a sign of even lighter vibrational energy around it. We had a winner! Even though she may not have meant the statement (she really didn’t see her whole life as a whirlwind), the words affected her. They kept her embroiled in the chaos of the week.

My “buzz” word from childhood is “worry”. My mother is a wonderful worrier, she has perfected it to a science. When one thing she is worrying about turns out okay, she sometimes even says “now what am I going to worry about?” “Worry” was an oft used word in our house. We frequently used the word “worry” when we really meant “think”. As in, “Now I need to worry about dinner.” Were we really worried about dinner? No, we just needed to turn our attention to it. I have also caught myself using the term from habit. Interestingly, even though I am not really worried, just using the term brings worry to my system. When I rephrase and use “think”, I am much calmer. It seems like such a little thing, but it makes such a difference. It is especially important to neutralize the word in your system by either rephrasing right then and there.

Another word I notice used incorrectly in our society is “anxious.” People often use it when they mean “excited”. “I am anxious for our vacation.” “Anxious” comes from “anxiety.” Even when you think you are feeling excitement, using the word brings a touch of anxiety into your system.

Words: Powerful Rephrasing

There was one comment that came out of the teleclass that has really stuck with me. I think, in part, due to the simplicity of it. This story demonstrates the power of changing what may seem like an insignificant negative thought.

This woman was working in her garden very much enjoying being there and taking care of her plants. Then a thought popped into her head, ‘I have to go inside and cook dinner for my family.’ She said she immediately noticed the thought and its negativity. She also realized that it was indeed time to stop what she was doing and go inside to prepare dinner. She rephrased for herself, ‘I choose to go inside to prepare a nourishing meal for my family.’ She said the shift was palpable in her body and in her heart. Although she still realized she would prefer to be in the garden, her statement turned her thought from a victim mentality “I have no choice in the matter” (which may lead to resentment among other negative emotions) to making it her choice and that made all the difference.

This story brings up two ideas for me. As I alluded to in the beginning of my entry, this seems like such a little thing, yet it made such a difference to this person. I am sure it also shifted her intention as she cooked, thereby infusing the food with more love and attention. Perhaps she was also able to share more compassion with her family instead of resentment or irritation. Perhaps it shifted her thoughts around cooking at other times too and maybe she feels better now about cooking when she would rather be doing other things. Do you see where this is going? The power of a little thing...

The second idea is around rephrasing. I mentioned in the Module that taking the time to rephrase something that you have said that you wished you had said differently will change the negativity into something more positive. Rephrasing will also help you bring more attention to it should the same situation arise again. On one of the calls, on participant realized that rephrasing works with things you say to yourself as well. Yes! As our gardener realized in this story, rephrasing is powerful whether it is out loud to another person or in our head to ourselves.