Communication: The Challenges - Part II

I want to continue with what I began last week – how to handle the really challenging communication. One of the participants of the call last month mentioned a conversation she had with someone who was really negative. As much as the YLC participant tried to pull the individual away from the negativity and to a more positive subject, the negative person kept coming back to the negative place.

I want to reiterate what I said last week, compassionate communication does not mean “helping” someone see the “light”. It is not our job to teach someone how to be compassionate or to “make” them positive. Our job as compassionate communicators is to be compassionate with them, right where they are and to help them feel heard and understood.

This can be particularly difficult when the individual is not hearing you. I am beginning to see that truly compassionate communication is when we help the other person be fully heard before we even begin to express what is going on inside of us – a challenging job!

Communication: The Challenges

Let me begin with a quote from one of the participants of last month’s call: “I find that I do already apply the principles of NVC communication with a few adults who I am close to, but that these principles are difficult to apply (judgment here) with people who are difficult. There are a couple people in my life who are so hardened that no amount of compassion seems to soften them. While I go away feeling better if I communicate with compassion with these people, I have a limit as to how much communicating I am willing to do with them.”

Ah, yes, the perennial question, how do we keep our center in the difficult places? I was tested on this one last week and failed miserably. I was faced with a teenager with predictable teenage attitude and I couldn’t hack it. The irony is our exchange was based on communication – exactly what I am “suppose” to be focusing on this month! This individual prides herself on being literal and exacting in her language and expects the same out of others. The challenge is she perceives things from her limited, human perspective (as we all do) and often misunderstands the situation. She then assumes she is the only one seeing clearly since she is the only one who was “exact” in her communication, that there is only one way any words said can be taken. This is a hot button for me. I usually can keep my compassionate state, but in this situation, I was energetically exhausted and feeling under pressure, and I just couldn't keep my center. I could no longer see her perspective and became blinded by my own.

Isn’t that what is often at the base of “difficult” situations? -- the fact that each party gets mired in their own perspective and cannot see another way? That they each have limited perspective? It can be remarkably difficult when faced with such rigidity in others much less ourselves. But good communication is not about changing them, showing them "the light", so to speak, it is about grounding yourself so strongly in compassion that you can maintain your perspective even in the most difficult situation.

So what do you do? I have two suggestions. The first is to practice holding your compassionate place consciously in easy situations. Get adept with your loved ones, the ones with whom it is easy to practice compassion. Then practice with those with whom you have neutral feelings. Then begin to imagine yourself with the challenging person in an easy situation. Then in a more challenging situation. See yourself as remaining grounded and loving and compassionate no matter what that other person is saying or doing. You may begin by only holding on to your loving place for a few seconds. You will get stronger and it will get easier.

My second suggestion is soul preparation. When you know you are going to be with that person again, do all that you can before hand to fill yourself full of love and compassion. Get yourself in an amazing place so no matter where they are, you will only be sending compassion. It doesn’t matter whether they accept it or not – you can only control you. (We will discuss that more next month with Spiritual Practice).

As for me, I plan to practice this myself. The challenging individual for my is also someone I love very much – someone for whom all of this work is worth it. I want to know how to send her love and compassion even when she is in her challenging teen years (or perhaps especially when she is in her challenging teen years.)

Communication Begins with Yourself

One participant made a wonderful point – you cannot communicate well, with a compassionate heart, unless you are speaking that way to yourself.

She realized that her internal communication wasn’t as positive as she wanted it to be and it often created a negative internal environment for her. From that environment, it was difficult to be anything but negative in expressing herself. She discovered that to be externally compassionate, internal compassion needed to happen first.

This idea prompted another participant to ask her how it was she knew her internal environment was negative. She said the easiest thing to do was turn to her feelings – how was she feeling in that moment. Happy and free? Weighed down and fearful? Your feelings will always reveal the answers.

Communication: Remembering

One topic that came up on the teleclass was how to remember to check yourself to see if you are evaluating or merely observing. Observing is just noting precisely what is happening. Evaluating is injecting your opinion or ideas into the observation. The evaluation can be positive or negative, either way it interferes with us seeing what is really happening. As one participant commented, “Those evaluations just slip right in! How do I remember to keep bringing my attention to my thoughts and noticing?”

Three ideas came out of the class. The first is to use your Focus Area (as discussed in the Pre-Assignment Module). One of the reasons I asked you to select a Focus Area is to help increase your awareness in that area. Hopefully it is easier to be more conscious there.

The second is to use a “remembrancer”, or something that helps you remember to check in with what you are thinking. It can be a bracelet or other jewelry, a stone in your pocket, a sticky on your planner, wherever you will be reminded of it regularly. Your remembrancer must be something you don’t use frequently because it won’t catch your attention.

The third idea comes from my spiritual tradition. Every Friday we have a “spiritual fast”, a time to be particularly conscious of being in a kind and loving state. I find on Fridays I am much more attuned to my thoughts because of the habit I have instilled on this day. Of course, the goal is to have that consciousness extend to other days of the week, and it does, but Fridays are always special.

One participant mentioned that she just noticed she was not evaluating as much and attributed it to the work she has already done this year. She is just naturally in a more conscious, positive state.

How do you remember?