Judgment: Discipline Based on Judgment

One discussion that came out of a teleclass was around our punitive methods in this country. Our justice system is based on judgment. We discussed whether this was a good or bad idea in light of our work on compassion.

I have very strong feelings and opinions about this area, especially now that I have children. When I began disciplining my kids in the traditional, American way, using judgment, it didn’t feel right. It always felt hard and callous and I also didn’t really see it as useful. I may be scaring them into doing it my way the next time, but what I wanted was to create amazing souls that could make fabulous choices on their own because they knew in their heart what was right. Giving them timeouts and taking away privileges just didn’t seem to be the way to that end. Moreover, I could feel the disconnect with them when I became irritated. I could see in their faces their fear at this disconnect right when they needed me to connect with them the most.

What I realized was they usually know when they have done something “wrong”, they don’t need me pointing it out and further punishing them. (Does it help when you do something wrong and then have your mate or boss or friend also get mad at you for doing it?) If they don’t know what they did is wrong, it is my job to educate them and it is my fault they don’t know about it yet.

Right about this time, I was listening to a talk given by Wayne Dyer (a spiritual speaker and author of over 20 books). He was telling a story about a tribe in Africa. This tribe’s “punitive” ritual was to put the “wrong-doer” in the middle of the courtyard in the village. Every villager then surrounded the person in a huge circle. They then, one-by-one went around the circle and told the person what he or she had done that was wonderful. They would go around the circle again and again, sometimes for hours. Dr. Dyer then added that they barely have any use for this ritual.

Makes you think, doesn’t it? Why do kids misbehave? They do it for attention because negative attention is better than none at all. It is a cry for connection, some connection. (I often wonder if that is ultimately at the bottom of crimes as well.) What if we, instead, gave them positive connection. What would it be like if you mate, boss, friend, gave you positive connection when you were the “wrong-doer?”

So, what do I do with my children? (Let me first point out that this happens when I am doing what I can to keep myself connected to my compassionate side. Doing all that we have talked about this year. When I do not do that, I find myself resorting to the “old style” of discipline and then it takes me even more energy to handle the repercussions of that method.) When they are doing something I don’t like, I first note if I have been disconnected (and, boy, do they know!). If so, I realize it is my fault and it is then easier to not blame them. Sometimes they are looking for connection with their sibling, though, and that is more out of my reach, although I can help. Whatever it is, I stop everything, take a deep breath, and then smile inside, if not out. I scoop up the offending child, place them on my lap, hug them, and begin whispering wonderful things in their ear. I tell them I love them, that they are wonderful. I just sit there with them with my heart open until their heart begins to soften. It isn’t until they soften that we then discuss the issue. “You hurt your sister.” “You broke the toy.” Etc. We also discuss what needs to be done to rectify the situation; to make amends. This works even with my 2 year old.

I have a couple of people who think being loving when a child has misbehaved will only encourage them to misbehave. The evidence doesn’t seem to indicate that to me. I only have to use this method a couple of times each day – I think that is amazing with a 5 year old and a 2 year old.

The next time you find yourself judging harshly another, ask yourself, do they need connection? Judgment will just cause further disconnect. Compassion will create connection.

Judgment: Judgment Limits Our View

I mentioned briefly in the Module how when we label someone or something, evaluate them, or judge them, we limit how we see them and that then keeps us from fully accessing our compassion with them. On one of the teleclasses, we were drawn into a lively debate around this topic. Think of how you viewed your teachers in grade school. We saw them as teachers and couldn’t imagine that they had families and lives outside of the building. We saw our parents as only parents and couldn’t imagine they had feelings and needs too. (I still harbor the belief and hope that I was conceived by immaculate conception!) Can you see how those labels limit how you see those people? You cannot even begin to appreciate their depth when you can only see them in your limited way.


Think about how you label others in your life and how that label may limit appreciating them for all they really are. Do you see your children through a limited scope? Your parents? Your electrician who is having a bad day? The telemarketer who just called you during dinner (and who, by the way, is an amazing single mother who works nights to support her family…)? Can you see where this is going? Can you see how this might engender some compassion on your part? It is a powerful tool…

Judgement: Prejudice="Pre-Judging"

Ever think about the term “prejudice”? It just means pre-judging or making up your mind before you have an experience. Interesting to see it in that way, isn’t it? We don’t want to think of ourselves as prejudiced – what a horrible thought – yet how many times over the past month did you notice yourself developing an opinion before you actually experienced a situation? Hmmm…you were being prejudiced. What a gift to you and the people you are with to enter a situation with a completely open mind, with no expectations good or bad.

Judgment: Thoughts Count Too

One idea that came up on both of the calls was the realization that thoughts are as important as spoken words on how they affect us. A few participants thought that as long as thoughts went unspoken they weren’t harmful to our hearts. Thoughts touch us and affect us in almost the same way as something that is actually verbal. Spoken words are still more potent; speaking something creates more energy than just thinking them. However, since our thoughts are often more negative than our words, as a result of self-censoring, our thoughts can be more energetically potent than our words. So, begin to notice your what you are thinking as much as what you are saying.