“Yet I’ve learned that you don’t serve the world by taking on its judgments, hanging your head in shame, and saying, ‘Yeah, you must be right. I must be bad.’ Take responsibility for your part in your own disasters, yes – but take on every projection of guilt from every unhealed person? No! For whatever reason people may need to project their own anger and guilt on you, you don’t have to accept it if it’s not yours.” (Marianne Williamson)
Okay, so let’s take this week’s thought a bit further. If when someone is judging us, they are really just projecting their anger and guilt onto us, what does that say when we are judging ourselves? How does it translate? ..
When we feel we have done something wrong, it is important to take responsibility where necessary. But once we have done that, and we are still judging ourselves, are we then projecting our anger and guilt on ourselves? Something to think about…
Friday, July 14, 2006
Monday, July 10, 2006
Self-Judgment: Finding Compassion
I once said that you cannot be compassionate with others until you learn how to be compassionate with yourself. This month I found the teleclass participants fully understood that idea…
I asked everyone if they were able to be compassionate with others when they were feeling judgmental toward themselves, even just a little. Unanimously, all said, “no.” In fact, the response was much more emphatic, hearing words such as “impossible” and “absolutely not”. We cannot begin to access our compassionate state in a state of self-judgment. When we are feeling softer and more loving with ourselves we can then begin to send that outward. Whatever is within will go without.
I asked everyone if they were able to be compassionate with others when they were feeling judgmental toward themselves, even just a little. Unanimously, all said, “no.” In fact, the response was much more emphatic, hearing words such as “impossible” and “absolutely not”. We cannot begin to access our compassionate state in a state of self-judgment. When we are feeling softer and more loving with ourselves we can then begin to send that outward. Whatever is within will go without.
Self-Judgment: Fact or Fiction?
I think the most remarkable idea that came out of the teleclasses (and I believe this came up in each one) was the idea that our self-judgments aren’t even based in fact…
Our self-judgments are our own making and usually (or in the case of the examples shared on the calls, always) aren’t based in truth. One woman said she feels she is a “bad mother” and assumes her husband agrees and hears his comments (and even his thoughts) through that belief. Therefore she assumes the worst from what he says (or what she thinks he is thinking) only because she is already assuming the worst about herself. Interestingly, he doesn’t agree and she is beginning to “get” that it is only because she thinks it that she thinks he thinks it. Now that she is aware of the false belief and knows it emanates only from her, the hold the self-judgment has on her is beginning to weaken.
Think about your own judgments about yourself. Are they only yours? Do others agree? If you aren’t sure, ask someone you trust. Why do you believe as you do? What if you let it go? How would that feel?
Our self-judgments are our own making and usually (or in the case of the examples shared on the calls, always) aren’t based in truth. One woman said she feels she is a “bad mother” and assumes her husband agrees and hears his comments (and even his thoughts) through that belief. Therefore she assumes the worst from what he says (or what she thinks he is thinking) only because she is already assuming the worst about herself. Interestingly, he doesn’t agree and she is beginning to “get” that it is only because she thinks it that she thinks he thinks it. Now that she is aware of the false belief and knows it emanates only from her, the hold the self-judgment has on her is beginning to weaken.
Think about your own judgments about yourself. Are they only yours? Do others agree? If you aren’t sure, ask someone you trust. Why do you believe as you do? What if you let it go? How would that feel?
Sunday, July 02, 2006
Self-Judgment: Red Flags
One idea we discussed on the teleclasses was realizing that self-judgment was a downward spiral and once we get started, it just leads to more self-judgment and other negative thoughts and behavior. We discussed identifying red flags and steps for stopping this spiral…
There were many red flags that people identified once they thought about their own situation such as rumination, just feeling stuck replaying something or thinking about something negative; feeling irritation with him/herself; beginning to use food in an unhealthy way; and feeling out of shape, in other words, finding another avenue to judge ourselves. This last one usually takes the form of wherever you tend to judge yourself the most such as the shape of your body, your hair, your habits, etc. Once we start judging, our mind goes directly to our most traveled path.
I noticed that many of these red flags seemed to be quite a ways into the spiral already and perhaps once people begin to use these red flags more regularly, they will be able to identify the spiral sooner. The sooner a spiral is stopped, the easier it is to pull ourselves out.
So, what pulls us out? We came up with several ideas. Here are a few (I would love to know if you have any more!): Be in nature, meditate, breathe, eat good foods, call or email a friend, be alone and quiet, yoga, exercise, read an inspirational book, and journaling, just to name a few. We also realized that having a few ideas instead of just one is particularly helpful since it isn’t always possible to do each of these.
There were many red flags that people identified once they thought about their own situation such as rumination, just feeling stuck replaying something or thinking about something negative; feeling irritation with him/herself; beginning to use food in an unhealthy way; and feeling out of shape, in other words, finding another avenue to judge ourselves. This last one usually takes the form of wherever you tend to judge yourself the most such as the shape of your body, your hair, your habits, etc. Once we start judging, our mind goes directly to our most traveled path.
I noticed that many of these red flags seemed to be quite a ways into the spiral already and perhaps once people begin to use these red flags more regularly, they will be able to identify the spiral sooner. The sooner a spiral is stopped, the easier it is to pull ourselves out.
So, what pulls us out? We came up with several ideas. Here are a few (I would love to know if you have any more!): Be in nature, meditate, breathe, eat good foods, call or email a friend, be alone and quiet, yoga, exercise, read an inspirational book, and journaling, just to name a few. We also realized that having a few ideas instead of just one is particularly helpful since it isn’t always possible to do each of these.
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