Final Thoughts: Communication

This month was intriguing for me and the teleclass illuminating. The essence of the month was separating your observations (the facts of a situation) from your evaluations (your opinion and feelings of a situation). So, I spent much of the month investigating my reasons behind negative evaluations (making negative assumptions or jumping to negative conclusions) and was intrigued by a piece I found that discussed the reason as low self esteem in the area of the negative evaluations. So, if you have low self-esteem in your parenting, you could easily jump to a negative assumption about an innocent comment your mother made (when she was genuinely curious if you had enough sleep). If you have low self-esteem in your cooking, you might make an assumption about a face your husband made after taking a bite (when he was just concentrating to remember what he wanted to tell you earlier today.)
I did find that I do have low self-esteem in the areas of my negative evaluations. That knowledge has helped me tremendously curb my negativity and spend my energy building my self-esteem!
On the call, we discussed another reason we might make negative evaluations, when our basic needs aren’t being met. If you aren’t getting enough sleep, are overworked, not eating well, etc., it is much harder to stay in a positive state.
Marya also came up with a great third reason. You can read it here.

Final Thoughts: Words

What a fascinating month for me. As I mentioned on the other blog, discovering I was still saying “no” and “don’t” to my children more than I wanted to was quite illuminating. Actually, it was more like a shock. I also became acutely aware of the soul-shrinking power those words have both on my children and upon hearing them out in the world. Now I know those words are necessary at times, especially when safety is concerned. It is just that somewhere along the line, some of us began to overuse them when it isn’t even necessary. Do you ever say no only to change your mind later? If you had stopped to think about it in the first place, you might not have said no at first. Do you find yourself following the party line at work and saying no just because that is what you have been told? I am curious if it was kids that took me over the line or if I always used the words too much and it was my desire to be a more loving and compassionate mom that brought my consciousness to it. The good news is, I am on the road to positivity!

Final Thoughts on Judgment

What an interesting month for me. I am constantly amazed at how each year I seem to go more and more deeply into these topics. There is so much to learn! This year I learned that when I gave love to the person I was judging, my judgments released. Hmmm...sounds simple when I write it here and yet it was so powerful for me. The person was my husband and the release was so profound it has changed our relationship. Unknowingly (I have since learned), it shifted something in our relationship that has bothered him for years and has opened us up to a new place of being on the eve of our 10th anniversary.

On the teleclass I also learned much from others. One person realized that her judgments uncovered her much about her beliefs, fears and insecurities. She also realized a single judgment could lead her down a well-worn judgment path. She used the month to learn how to redirect the negative path. (She realized it was much harder to redirect her judgments when she wasn’t meeting her own basic needs.) Another participant discussed being "compassionately vague" when those she cared about were gossiping and she didn't want to be involved or make them feel wrong for what they were doing.

Final Thoughts on Eating

I think my biggest insight was the realization that judging what we are eating does far more damage then what we are eating. One person on the teleclass realized she really likes to eat something sweet during the day. In fact, she loves it. The only thing keeping her from her deeper joy of it was her feeling she "shouldn't" be eating it. Let this be the final thought of this year's eating module:

“You are not what you eat, you are what you believe about what you eat.” (Wayne Dyer)

Final Thoughts: People

I am finding this month’s topic more than any other during the year always has much to teach me. There are so many facets to how people affect our compassionate state. When I first wrote the Module three years ago, my focus was on how others can affect us if we aren’t solid in our positive space. I also discussed how we leave residuals with other people as well and we want to be conscious of what we are sending out that might affect others. Along the way we have discussed how various groups of people are more challenging to remain conscious around. In general, the more history we have with people, the more difficult it is to maintain a new consciousness. We have discussed how we can prevent people from maintaining their new consciousness merely by assuming they are going to react and act the same way as they always do. We can do the same to ourselves. On our last call this month, we also discussed how we all really take on rolls whenever we are interacting with others, and truly not our authentic self. Finding people with whom you can be your most authentic self will help you access your compassionate state. Phew! That is quite a bit around People. I can only imagine what next year will bring!

Final Thoughts on Unmet Needs

One great idea that came out of the call this week was letting go of how your needs should be met. One participant mentioned previously feeling very attached to how her needs were met (mostly, who needed to say what). She felt a tangible shift this month and was incredibly surprised to find her need being met in a completely unexpected way. (Interesting to note that the expectation of wanting a need met in a particular way can prevent the unexpected way from flowing into our life.)

Final Thoughts on Fears

Last time we did the program we focused entirely on fear on this teleclass. This time we talked all about unmet needs. So, I want to share a thought that came out of the last program’s call around fear. Here is your question to ponder: Is there such a thing as a “realistic fear”. What does that mean for you? In your fear area in your life, how does the fear help you?

Words: The Power of Words

“The words we say do matter and they resonate powerfully within our bodies.” (-Gormukh Kaur Khalsa, an internationally-renowned yoga teacher and author)

I have recently begun to understand on a much deeper level the effect our words have on us. Recently I have been studying the work of Masaru Emoto. Mr. Emoto used high-speed photography to discover that crystals formed in frozen water are affected by our thoughts, words, and feelings. From what I understand, he simply labeled containers of water with various words, positive and negative, then quick-froze them and photographed the crystals that formed. The results are nothing less than truly amazing and life changing.

The crystals formed with words such as hope, love, gratitude, peace, harmony, are incredibly beautiful, jewel-like crystals. Those crystals formed with words such as "no good", "you fool", "do it", hate, fear, etc, are grotesque and almost nightmarish crystals.

Now translate that information to your body. You are around 70 percent water. Let me again repeat the quote for today: “The words we say do matter and they resonate powerfully within our bodies.” What do the water molecules in your body reflect?

Check out more of Mr. Emoto's work on his website.

Finally, you can learn more about his research through his books:
The Hidden Messages in Water
The Shape of Love

His work is also discussed in the movie What the Bleep

I always knew words were important. I listen to the negativity often used in the vernacular in our society and I know how much it affects me. Choose differently. Mr. Emoto's work will change who you are through the language you choose. It is powerful and wonderful!

People: Space to Grow

Here is a thought from a participant for you: “Since my tolerations and boundaries have changed, I ask myself why I was continuing to seek out or continue relationships that did not resonate with that. I think that sometimes, relationships become old habits instead of being old friends.”

Is it time to reevaluate old relationships? Ron easily lets go of relationships when they no longer fit where he is in his spiritual growth. He also lets go of belongings easily. He is quite skilled in the practice of detachment. We get attached to our relationships. Perhaps it is the sense of belonging or patterns or something I haven’t considered yet. We need to regularly reevaluate these relationships, though, to make sure they are feeding us. Good friendships leave you feeling uplifted, not drained. They also can keep you stuck in your current state of consciousness. Is it time for you to reevaluate?

People: Positive Residual

One of the suggestions in the People Module is to pay attention to the feeling your own presence leaves behind. What type of residual do you want lingering with the people with whom you interact? This comes from one of the participant’s experience with this idea: "This had the biggest affect on me. I really thought about what I leave behind and I had never focused on this before. It's great to go about your day thinking that you are going to do everything in your power to leave a positive residual."

We leave residuals with anyone and everyone we encounter whether or not words are shared. I play a game when I am in stores. I radiate love from my heart as I walk around. Though I am not always smiling, I know my face is reflecting the peace in my heart. I love the effect it has on others. Some people aren’t sure how to react. Most people reflect that love right back at me. Choose one area in your life in which you can leave a positive residual today and touch someone else’ heart.

People: Residual Opinions

We had quite a few participants (myself included) who realized our challenges with others often came from residual opinions. Residual opinions are opinions we formed about people long ago that have stuck with us. The people have long since changed, but your opinion remains and colors everything they do.

I had an interesting experience in which I was the "victim" of someone’s residual opinion. It was a very mild example, but poignant for me in light of these discussions. My daughter has recently taken up knitting and cross-stitching. I have been doing them with her and thoroughly enjoying myself. As I child I had not been quiet or patient enough to pursue such activities. As an adult who has worked on cultivating quiet in my heart, I now find myself enjoying them immensely and using them as part of my meditational practice. When my sister heard Sierra was doing needle work, she commented that that was ironic and how was I able to stand it? It was a very innocent comment that would have been exactly right a dozen years earlier. I am different now, though, and she hasn’t gotten to know the newer version yet. What the lesson for me was how misunderstood I felt. I wanted to defend my new place, let her know I am not that person anymore. I then realized how it feels for others to be misunderstood.

Here is a quote from Donna Farhi that speaks to this idea:

“We build self-images and construct concepts and paradigms that feed our sense of certainty, and then we defend this edifice by bending every situation to reinforce our certainty. This would be find if life were indeed a homogenous even in which nothing every changed, but life does change, and it demands that we adapt and change with it. The resistance to change, and tenaciously holding on to things, causes great suffering and prevents us from growing and living in a more vital and pleasurable way.”

When we hold on to old opinions and ideas whether they be about people or beliefs or situations, we are only holding ourselves back from growing and feeling joy.

Media: Postive Media

I have had more comments about people who choose certain media for their positive effects, in particular intellectual stimulation. One person chooses specific NPR shows and another uses podcasts to select only what she wants to hear. Ron and I watch almost exclusively PBS in our house. What I like about PBS is I am able to choose shows that have a positive message, I am intellectually stimulated and I know that I can count on the "commercials" being violence free.

But I do stand by my previous entry in which I mentioned that all media affects us. One of my favorite television show is Nature on PBS. While it is a truly educational show, I am still affected by it. I know I am. I become attached to the animals they are showing and am distressed when something happens to them (which frequently does in the wild.) But I want to know more, I want to learn more about the wild. I am fascinated with wild life and want my children to learn more as well so it is something I choose to watch.

This thought leads me to my final thought on media. I am not espousing not participating in any type of media. We live in an inter-connected world and we need to live in that world. I am saying we need to pick and choose and be aware of what we are exposing ourselves to and its affect on us. Everything affects you some how in some way. It touches your heart by either adding to it or taking away from it. Just be more conscious. Know this area is a relatively easy one to shift when you need to tip the scales more decidedly to the positive in your life. (Say, for example, when your challenging relative comes to visit or you have a performance review with your boss.) When I discuss media with people, I find many become defensive, supporting their news show or CSI telling me, convincing me, that they are enjoyable and add to their life. I am not telling you to stop watching. I still read my mystery novels. I also know there are times when a mystery novel is not what I need.

Media: Neutral Media

Is there such a thing as "neutral media"? I ask this question because on the calls, I heard several times people say, in reference to the media they use, "but it doesn't affect me." I also heard Ron and I say the same things about what we do. Interestingly, we all said this about media sources that were anything but neutral. For me, it was about my mystery novels, which, as tame as they are, are nonetheless about murder and mayhem. I don’t think anyone of us would consider murder neutral. Just because we are not aware of the effect, doesn't mean it isn't affecting us. Even if the content truly is neutral (my example was watching golf), it stimulates thinking that is far from neutral. I get excited and frustrated right along with the golfers. Of course, our stimulated thinking can also be positive, but it isn’t neutral. Think about it in your own life...

Media: Fasting

Something I (Laura) noticed on each call was that those who actually did some level of media fast each had a new awareness around how much the media was affecting them. Those who didn't do the fast felt that the media wasn't affecting them (or at least not as much.)
For those of you who have never done any kind of fast (media, food, etc.), I highly recommend them. Fasting is taking a break for a specified amount of time from something. We then allow our bodies, minds, or spirits to heal from the affects of that substance. Fasts are extraordinarily helpful in making us more sensitive to subtleties we did not notice. If you listen to the news every day, you are accustomed to how the news leads you to feel and therefore it feels “normal”. I was accustomed to how dairy made me feel since I ate it every day of my life until I was 35 years old. Interestingly, when I couldn’t eat dairy because Zack reacted to it, I did feel better, but I didn’t really notice I felt better until I ate dairy again and felt the same icky feeling. The feeling felt so familiar! It was then I realized the true effect dairy had on my body and how lousy I had felt for so many years – and that was more “normal”. I had no idea how wonderful I could feel! Fasts help you feel the good you didn’t even know you could feel.
If you haven't tried the media fast, do so now and let me know what happens for you.

Media: Escapism

Here is a quote that came from a participant last year when we were discussing positive media. “These to me are the type of media that actually help me or stimulate my intellect. There is a fine line, though, between what is helpful and then what is then truly avoiding and escaping my time away. Quite a bit of our culture is about escape rather than being in the moment and dealing with reality. This is a huge exercise for me everyday to stay present.”
She went on to comment that when she is, "over the top with my schedule and my limits I have more of a need for escapist tendencies."

Escapism is a topic that came up frequently on the calls; people using the media as a form of escaping from challenges in their lives. (Laura: What was especially interesting for me with challenges is they could be huge, a relationship that needed ending, or tiny, trying to decide what to have for dinner. We often need to escape at many different levels.) The three main forms of avoidance media were tv, internet, and novels.
What we discovered is that escapism is one thing if it is truly for entertainment. It felt like quite another when it was to avoid something that needed to be handled, an emotional issue, stress, some sort of procrastination. We decided when we use media that way, we just feel worse when we are done. We also discovered that the escape was unconscious, we weren't aware we were in active avoidance. With it in our awareness now, we decided that there were much better ways of using our time when we are struggling with something that will leave us feeling more compassionate with ourselves and others.

Media: Quotes from Participants

And yet another quote: "Even though TV has a relaxing or numbing effect when you watch it, I find that it creates anxiety. The anxiety is kind of the TV hangover :-) If I watch TV before going to bed, my mind is assaulted with commercials that include extremely violent images like murder, assault, rape, child abuse, etc. They are usually preview for shows that I would never watch. Unfortunately, when I try to go to sleep, my mind is filled with restlessness and anxiety. I often toss and turn all night. On the other hand, if I do not watch TV before going to bed, I sleep peacefully and wake rested. I have never understood how people could fall asleep in front of the TV - but the newsletter you sent really clarified that for me. It is all about learning healthy ways to self-sooth."

Media: Quotes from Participants

Here is another quote from a participant: "I am adding on to the comment from last week. I, too, didn't feel the Media month applied to me. I do watch tv but I had never been aware of any effect on me. I always enjoy my 'veg time' as I call it and I only watch sports that, to me, was neutral. I especially thought of it as neutral in comparison to television news and shows about murder. Last week's note nudged me to pay more attention to the thoughts my sports' shows stimulated. I found myself so irritated during one game, I actually snapped at my husband."

Media: Quotes from Participants

I decided to pop these quotes into the blog because I thought they were excellent insights for these people and many could gain insights from them as well. Enjoy!

“I didn't think this month was one that would apply to me. I don't watch the news and hardly every watch television so, honestly, I didn't even participate in the assignment. You mentioned that there are many sources of media besides the t.v. I realized that I read books -- lots of books -- and most are not positive in nature or inspirational. I will pay more attention to their effect on me.”

Fear: Realistic Fears

This topic came up several times over the teleclasses. What about “realistic fears”? Aren’t they okay to have? Perhaps even necessary for our own good? Hmmm…sounds logical. Then we began to discuss what a realistic fear is. What makes a fear “realistic”? Do you know the definition of fear is: “an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat?” [Emphasis is mine.] And a belief is merely a dominant thought – a thought that is strong enough to become what you consider to be a truth. So, a fear is merely the belief, or many thoughts, that danger lurks somewhere for you.

To me, it seems that if something is “realistic” wouldn’t that mean that everyone would share that fear? I mean, if the fear is for our own good, it should apply to everyone. And yet, on the teleclasses, when we listed “realistic fears”, we received a wide variety of answers. Of course the answers were a litany of “horrible things” to feel fearful around. Yet for everything named, there was someone on the call who said, “Hmmm…that one doesn’t bother me.” Or “hadn’t thought of that one.” In other words, even though someone felt it was “realistic”, another hadn’t even considered it as an issue. Some even went on to say, “Actually, I feel quite safe with that one.”

Knowing all of this now, let me ask you, how does that fear serve you? Does it keep you safer? I will definitely give you that in a true life or death situation, fear helps considerably by releasing adrenalin and giving you courage and strength you didn’t know you had. But does it help the other 99.9 percent of the time when you aren’t in a threatening situation? If your fear involves your health, money, relationships or career, fear never serves you. People often tell me it is a great motivator. Believe me when I say that any motivation based on fear is not helpful. You do not think or act in your best interest from a fear perspective. Your very best decisions are always from your heart or Soul and your heart cannot be reached out of fear.

I had one person on the call realize that she wanted to become aware of her fear and use it as a wake up call. Normally her fears would lead her down the path toward more negative feelings and behaviors. Instead she decided to note her fear and ask herself these three questions: What is the reality? What to I want? What am I going to do to change the situation? I have heard from her since and she has found it is remarkably useful.

I know that fear always leads me from my compassionate state. Fear no longer fits who I am and how I want to show up in the world. What does your fear do for you?

Needs: Finding Joy with Unmet Needs

Here is a comment I received on last year’s Teleclass on Needs: "Usually when I become crabby and irritable it is because my tiredness is a result of taking care of other people, their feelings, their needs, etc. As a result, I usually have put my needs aside. It is important to put our needs aside for others, of course. There are many good reasons to do that. However, if I do it for too long, without taking a moment for myself, even in a small way, I become deficient in my ability to be patient and loving."

I know many of us feel this way, when our cup is empty we have nothing left to give. But why is this? Why is it we need to have a fully cup to not resort to a negative state? I can understand we might not feel full of vim and vigor, but to feel negative? To lose our “love place” (as we call it with the kids)? Some of you have read my story about how YLC came to fruition. My second child had just been born. He was colicky and I was exhausted. I slept for around two hours each night for the first two weeks of his life. My poor daughter, my eldest, was feeling challenged in accepting this new being in our family with an open heart. She didn’t understand why mommy’s lap was often busy. I just found myself feeling irritated and frustrated with her almost all of the time just when she needed my loving attention more than ever. At that time, I was watching Wayne Dyer’s special on PBS called The Power of Intention. In that talk he said, “When you squeeze and orange you get orange juice. When you get squeezed, what comes out?” I was being squeezed and I did not like what was coming out. I felt like my complete exhaustion was stripping me bare and what was left was negativity. Ever since then, I have worked on compassion and love being what shows up when I am bare; at least compassion for myself, if nothing else. It is definitely a work in process…

I asked the participant to take this awareness more deeply and encouraged her to explore why it is she becomes crabby when she wasn't taking care of her needs. Why does that make her irritable? I am looking for us to remove another layer. We often stop with I am grumpy because I am tired, hungry, or not having my needs met. Explore more deeply. Can you discover how to be joyful even in the face of fatigue, hunger, or unmet needs? I would love to hear your thoughts.